The Ghost of Christmas Past

10 years after the Christmas of 1999, I believe my life may be irrepairably broken
and worse, that my very own spirit is broken,
10 years ago, on a Christmas Eve, my family was gathered in my home, together for a very different kind of Christmas. Because in the previous summer, our Mother had died, and so 2 generations came to my home, to be together and find a way to celebrate the season without her.
Tonight, I am alone. It is not Christmas Eve, but The Ghost of Christmas Past has appeared to me these past 4 nights, and I am being haunted indeed, by Ghosts and Memories bearing light, while The Present appears relentlessy grim. The season eludes me now. Is the problem within me, (which I entirely believe?), or is the World Truly A Mess?
Because I do think about my death now. I am 54. Both my parents have left this Earth, I have given two children and one of them has given a daughter to life.
I am 54. Suddenly that isn't such a bad number. Maybe its been a bunch of bad juju these last couple days, or past 10 years. could it be catastrophobia? really bad feng shu? could it be helped by seeing "my doctor" and getting on the right antidepressant? or maybe its just simple constipation?
on the other hand, its probably the stench of approaching death. cycle of life, cycle of death. its easy to be all philosophical about the subject until realizing you are 54 years old, both parents died of diseases which were a direct result of their personal life choices(ie smoking drinking eating high fat animal foods and ingestin copious amounts of white sugar/white flour products resulting in hardening of the arteries, high blood pressure, heart disease, lung disease, diabetes, cancers of various sorts, depression, insomnia, and here am I , drinking wine and smoking cigarettes till the cows come home.

now we know how many holes..........

i was reading ken kesey last night, demon box. i couldn't sleep, despite the bike ride to the pool, the laps swum(swam?). despite mad men season 1, episodes 1 and 2. despite the fact my alarm would ring at 4 a.m. for my grind shift at the diner. so i tossed and turned, finally, after so any years, reached over to my bookshelf and grabbed kesey, deciding some words from my hero would turn me to dreamland, alas.
i decided 2 of my favorites from this particular book would drift me to sleep, so i read "Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall", then i read "The day after Superman died". I cried myself into in nightmare filled 3 hour sleep.
Then I went to work, where the morons told pedophile jokes about MJ. I told them it does not behove the living to speak ill of the dead.
I still believe, in spite of everything I've lived through, seen, smoked, ingested, given birth to, read, watched, that we can be heroes. what i write does border on plagarism, but i know its memory, threads, once in a while an entire quilt. I still believe in supermen the supreme being, the mother of God.
I believe in angels. And demons. In life and death. The two great gates we all walk between, unable to choose wither we come and when we go.
So i am happy to hear my neighbors playing the music of a musical genius of a man who did give joy to our poor planet, in spite of his demons.
I know I need to get back to my roots, in spite of living in the town I grew up in.
I know I miss her.
I know I am getting old when I think Michael Jackson died, he was just a kid..........then I remember to remember. And if you are reading this, and remember to remember that Henry Miller wrote a book called Remember to Remember. If you are reading this and remember Ken Kesey(come back), if you are reading this and remember Dean Moriarity(alias Neil Cassidy),if you are reading this and remember how many holes it takes to fill the albert hall, I hope you sleep well tonight.
because tommorow I have to sling chip over white, short stacks, listen to cheap shots and jokes about a soul I hope may rest in Peace, all the while remembering PEACE. Come back, go away, come back, go away. attendance mandetory, but not required.
RIP-EAP;JWOL;KK;JG;MJ.RMHP&ICPjr.angels aquired, AIS,AFS,GJB.tito.

i can't find moony after all

and so we rode around, finally down the street, so shrunken
the future was in the backseat, locked in, i looked and could not beliee
the house i grew up in. just about prisoners in niggatown,no knocking in that door
memories are bettered served,fresh.
the waitress was speechless, la nieta unsuspecting that this was the end

10 years after 1999

i count. i count drinks of water in the middle of the night. i count to 4 when i cannot sleep. i count my lucky stars.
i count decades, faces, names, silverware, straws, and love.
i count myself amongst the lucky ones.
1 time gianna sleep over.
1 time i gave a son to the world.
1 time i gloried in a little girl.
i time i was beloved..safe, warm and
you know, gloried in.
my name is susan lorraine.
i am the daughter or irv and ruth
hold my hand, go around the corner with me
lets see.............what happens next.
maybe i will find moony moony boy after all.

after the day harry kalas was laid to rest

`sjdinergrrl has this news update from southjersey, yo!
yesterday was a nice day, i wouldn't know because i was behind the counter.
i know its gonna blow weatherly speaking, during my 3 days off.

sjdinergrrl hates florida, but maybe i should relocate.after all, adaptation count
horatio cain is wrong.

sjdinergrrl was very proud of the Phil's for the sendoff that gave HK.

sjdinergrrl says "we're in the basement, learning to print, all of it hot,all counterfeit bills..................we;re int the basement

RIP' Harry Callas

The voice of The Phillies left the world today. His voice was the heart and soul of every Phil's game. An old school gentleman, a loyal fan, an astute intelligent man. So glad I heard him call that last play in October 2008. I am watching the game now, hoping maybe, our boys can do it again next October.
30 years his voice called the plays, nuanced, subtle, excited, disappointed. A soundtrack and distinct sound--and its outta here!
Thanks Harry, for everything, for coloring my childhood summers, for the way my father listened to you, and finally, a perfect finish.
and he's outta here!

witch came first, the egg or easter?

or the witch? every holiday was stolen from the pagans. in western culture anyway. eggs, eggs, eggs, no fish on fridays, fish on fridays, celibate priests sublimating desire,ruined lives, cultures at war, no pork, mass in latin, diners crowded with patrons eating ham and drinking diet "coke".i never did find that egg.

i am right here

found myself back here, my computer has been glitching. i fond i think, an old friend following my blog, i tried to email u catherine, but had problems. fluxlife i m still here but am having problems with the computer.catherine, if its you, hit my blog and i will get in touch with you.
steve/fluxlife, glad to know u are still reading me.
i admit i have been postin on facebook, not as satisfying as this, but really it has been a depressing winter for me.'the vernal equinox is done, and it has done been a fn winter i am still recovering from it.
cath i know its you.
i am certain there is a reason you found me after all this time.
steve, you were among the first to encourage me to keep blogging.
so, am i correct>si, or no?

its nearly spring, according to

diner girl delux

back on top, despite the struggle to survive, i am. 2 days of rolling in and rolling up, running, carrying, toasting, and once again i have to say it, this kitchen cannot be entered without 1 syrup smear, 3 unfortunate accidents with butter, a head on battle with the mexicans, and a heavy tray. somehow, our business survives. i see new people coming into the diner. oh and the toaster. yes, many unfortunate incidence with the toaster.
so here it is february and i have not been late, sick, or recieved a check mark!
like i care about getting a checkmark at this late date in my so called career. i just want to survive.
smile, make eye contact, get everything right with the table, the order, the kitchen, the "cooks" avoid all personal incidence with other servers, and pick up my jack, tip out, and leave. wait to breathe. wait for warmer weather. wait till i can ride mt bike.

the diner is still on its last feet

or would that be my feet? i have been waiting for this business to fold for at least a year (don't ask me why i stilll work here, its like a strange, insidious addiction).
saturday is my long shift 6am-3pm-no breaks-i have 2-3 peaceful solita hours between 6 and 9 until the rest of the staff arrives. i have the stragglers, the regulars, the unfortunates, and the toaster all to myself.
and today was a pretty good day. my counter shined, all day. people were laughing and getting their meals quickly. really a good day behind the counter is like starring in your own scripted, written and directed film/documentary/story. with subtitles.
and my booths, i rolled on them, too. every order perfect, a smile for everyone, catsup, syrup, jelly, tabasco sauce and sweet n low. skim milk for your decafe?no problema!sugar free syrup for the whole wheat bananawalnut pancakes? of course.
some days, i really like being a diner girl.
de la pinche

is the diner failing?

after 19 months at "the diner" i begin to worry. day after day, i see less customers, other servers being harrassed by the so called "managment". i was ill yesterday, had to call out sick, and found i could have been fired by the 15 year old daughter who had to come in at 6 am to cover my shift. mind you there are 7 or 8 tables between that early morning hour.
when i am fortunate enough to be busy at that early hour, i can take care of a counter six booths, toast my bread, make 2 urns of coffee toast rye,wheat and white clean pitchers of syrup, set tables, carry trays, get coffee for the cooks, etc etc etc.
and now i have to possibley be fired by a 15 year old who was told to be in "the diner" at such an early our. venting venting yes.
the economy is wearing me out, the "diner" becomes more absurd, i am having hard thoughts about things like.......the health department, OSHA--haha what a joke neither of these entities have visited my place of work...
just a waitress, but this circus of chaos has me by the short hairs.
what next?

tommorow is today

when i started school, back in 1960, the school i attended had a black woman principle. I grew up in a blue collar town in south jersey. today, i still live in that town, after living in many beautiful places, oregon, north carolina, i chose to return here so i could be part of my beautiful grandaughter's life, because i decided it was important to me to teach her, to love her, to honor what my parent's did.
and today, i know that the world we live in can change, that i can proudly honor my past, and have hope for our future. Because today, i witnessed history, i regained hope. i remembered that so long ago, i walked into a school and looked up to a beautiful, dignified and respected black woman, in 1960, when other americans were still struggling for equality.
and today, i can believe again, thanks to the people of america that elected this amazing, couragous man. i can be proud. we can all be proud today, and once again have hope for our beautiful country. de la pinche

it 's america, people, its a new dawn!

i can't believe it, tommorow, yeah, finally!
for real, for real for once in a lifetime a president that looks like a real person.
a president who can dance, a president i can actually imagine fucking his wife
for real, yo.
tommorow, a man i hope with all my hope can lead the country.
one man, god keep him safe, keep him safe.
for once in a lifetime, a man comes along, a man comes along.
tommorow, a man comes along, long may he run!
may the good lord bless him and keep him safe,
i pray he will lead us, guide us, teach us to believe
again, as americans, can you imagine and believe?
in tommorow?
in one day, in the next day?
get up, levante!
believe in tommorow, please?

is this possible?

i believe i am experiencing a major expansion of my personal conciouness, at this time over a period of time, long time short time, but there it is. i know what is happening to me i know why it is happening to me, but is it possible it is happening to others out there? and why? follow my blog, tell me your story.
is December 21, 2012 important?
it mattered so much, to so many, but what can Obama change? if the people of america aren't ready, nothing will change. and based on what i have seen, they ready but they ain't gonna change. Takes alot more than belief, a vote, a life. it takes time.
is this the tragic truth?
if i had been born in a small village in Africa, would i even be alive, now?
if i had been born in Irag, would I have a veil over my face, would I be screaming and beating my chest over my deceased children?
Would I dare to be complaining on the internet about all my Amerikan BlahBlahBlah?
Who should be so lucky?

just a bleep on the radar from the dinergirl, my world, my blog, my my my.
bye now.
de la pinche

teach your children well

because they go by. everybody is somebodies baby, as in child. my own have gone by me so fast, i just want to hold on to mi nieta, teach her the traditions.
now i mean to figure the traditions out. in order to teach gi, i honor those who went before me,i hold those who came through me,gentle ,give freedom to those in front of me.
my line, my family, my memories and dreams.
my future. my past. my own personal time machine.
may we fight the powers that be.
may we remember one xmas tree.
may we sparkle,plenty,always, free and happy,
safe, warm, and gloried in.
slp 1/05/09 de la pinche