11/22/10 Irvin

shocking fact

I love Eminem. almost too late to say it but i love to play it late at night when the beatles aint right and the niggas is tight not my generation dont hurt me no more. beautiful.

goodbye gentleman

last November my brother died. We were not close over our adulthood, but still, he was my brother. Last year, the day before Thanksgiving, I said goodbye to his cold hard body. 

He was a good brother. Kind, always happy to see me. Why didn't I understand the connection he held out to me? My first memory, him dragging his MAD magazines across our ugly living carpet, so I could crawl after them. He taught me to crawl, and to pursue satirical cartoons at the height of an era. He loved Elvis. He loved our father. Our Mom and he battled like hell, bitch that she could be, but he knew. He loved her. Me too.

I remember, Irvin. wishes don't count anymore, do they, brother? 

The Ghost of Christmas Past

10 years after the Christmas of 1999, I believe my life may be irrepairably broken
and worse, that my very own spirit is broken,
10 years ago, on a Christmas Eve, my family was gathered in my home, together for a very different kind of Christmas. Because in the previous summer, our Mother had died, and so 2 generations came to my home, to be together and find a way to celebrate the season without her.
Tonight, I am alone. It is not Christmas Eve, but The Ghost of Christmas Past has appeared to me these past 4 nights, and I am being haunted indeed, by Ghosts and Memories bearing light, while The Present appears relentlessy grim. The season eludes me now. Is the problem within me, (which I entirely believe?), or is the World Truly A Mess?
Because I do think about my death now. I am 54. Both my parents have left this Earth, I have given two children and one of them has given a daughter to life.
I am 54. Suddenly that isn't such a bad number. Maybe its been a bunch of bad juju these last couple days, or past 10 years. could it be catastrophobia? really bad feng shu? could it be helped by seeing "my doctor" and getting on the right antidepressant? or maybe its just simple constipation?
on the other hand, its probably the stench of approaching death. cycle of life, cycle of death. its easy to be all philosophical about the subject until realizing you are 54 years old, both parents died of diseases which were a direct result of their personal life choices(ie smoking drinking eating high fat animal foods and ingestin copious amounts of white sugar/white flour products resulting in hardening of the arteries, high blood pressure, heart disease, lung disease, diabetes, cancers of various sorts, depression, insomnia, and here am I , drinking wine and smoking cigarettes till the cows come home.

now we know how many holes..........

i was reading ken kesey last night, demon box. i couldn't sleep, despite the bike ride to the pool, the laps swum(swam?). despite mad men season 1, episodes 1 and 2. despite the fact my alarm would ring at 4 a.m. for my grind shift at the diner. so i tossed and turned, finally, after so any years, reached over to my bookshelf and grabbed kesey, deciding some words from my hero would turn me to dreamland, alas.
i decided 2 of my favorites from this particular book would drift me to sleep, so i read "Now we know how many holes it takes to fill the Albert Hall", then i read "The day after Superman died". I cried myself into in nightmare filled 3 hour sleep.
Then I went to work, where the morons told pedophile jokes about MJ. I told them it does not behove the living to speak ill of the dead.
I still believe, in spite of everything I've lived through, seen, smoked, ingested, given birth to, read, watched, that we can be heroes. what i write does border on plagarism, but i know its memory, threads, once in a while an entire quilt. I still believe in supermen the supreme being, the mother of God.
I believe in angels. And demons. In life and death. The two great gates we all walk between, unable to choose wither we come and when we go.
So i am happy to hear my neighbors playing the music of a musical genius of a man who did give joy to our poor planet, in spite of his demons.
I know I need to get back to my roots, in spite of living in the town I grew up in.
I know I miss her.
I know I am getting old when I think Michael Jackson died, he was just a kid..........then I remember to remember. And if you are reading this, and remember to remember that Henry Miller wrote a book called Remember to Remember. If you are reading this and remember Ken Kesey(come back), if you are reading this and remember Dean Moriarity(alias Neil Cassidy),if you are reading this and remember how many holes it takes to fill the albert hall, I hope you sleep well tonight.
because tommorow I have to sling chip over white, short stacks, listen to cheap shots and jokes about a soul I hope may rest in Peace, all the while remembering PEACE. Come back, go away, come back, go away. attendance mandetory, but not required.
RIP-EAP;JWOL;KK;JG;MJ.RMHP&ICPjr.angels aquired, AIS,AFS,GJB.tito.

i can't find moony after all

and so we rode around, finally down the street, so shrunken
the future was in the backseat, locked in, i looked and could not beliee
the house i grew up in. just about prisoners in niggatown,no knocking in that door
memories are bettered served,fresh.
the waitress was speechless, la nieta unsuspecting that this was the end

10 years after 1999

i count. i count drinks of water in the middle of the night. i count to 4 when i cannot sleep. i count my lucky stars.
i count decades, faces, names, silverware, straws, and love.
i count myself amongst the lucky ones.
1 time gianna sleep over.
1 time i gave a son to the world.
1 time i gloried in a little girl.
i time i was beloved..safe, warm and
you know, gloried in.
my name is susan lorraine.
i am the daughter or irv and ruth
hold my hand, go around the corner with me
lets see.............what happens next.
maybe i will find moony moony boy after all.